I woke up in a strange girl's bed and rifled through her mail to get her name.
I just walked into a tree. I think it's time to go home.
just woke up to overhearing her on the phone saying "yeah we fucked last night, that makes 42." should i get tested?
well i fucked her too, so yes.
you made a powerpoint titled 'things i've drank tonight' and emailed it to me.
so literally, as soon as i tripped and fell and hit the floor the earthquake started. hows THAT for a self esteem boost?
It was worse than when we pepper-sprayed my dick. I feel mislead.
It turns out tequila bombs is really code for straight shots of tequila…who would have guessed?
You have plans tonight?
Stress crying into a bottle of long island ice tea mix...other than that nope
After a roaring rendition of Jay-Z's "99 Problems but a bitch ain't one" I ended up making her cry on her birthday.
Shawn wouldn't stop singing about his cock on the ride home that night it freaked my girlfriend out how consistent he was
So I got drunk last night and attempted to shave a landing strip on my vag. I now have a 8 lane highway on my crotch now. Just looks like a random ass square.
Lets just say my thoughts when getting dressed this morning was "vagina friendly" options
You offered the police officer a Snickers ice cream bar and cried when he wouldn't take it...
EXCEPT MY COUSIN SAW MY SEX TAPE!
You know you're out of shape when you're sore after masturbating.
Randomize
