I hope you had to get up out of bed and walk across your room to check this text message
so I have this game called 14 beers left. and we both have to drink 7 before we leave
The only person who has seen my penis more than that girl, is that girl's sister.
Just saw a cop issuing a DUI. At 3 pm. It's definitely the start of winter break.
I'm starting therapy this week.. Taylor Swift music isn't cutting it for me anymore
I miss old school porno. There just isn't any love in porn these days.
it glows. i had to have it.
chlamydia ends and my period begins. this isnt real life
There is a pink thong attached to a bottle of svedka hanging from my ceiling fan..is this yours?
I'll throw in a blow job for your kind ways. Or another booty call. I'm poor and not very imaginative. This is all I have to offer- the unicorn like wonders of my vagina.
I hope the doctor doesnt lift up and my shirt and listen to my lungs. I dont want to explain why I have rug burns on my back.
The last time you said "no one will know" is when you ran out of sprite at your birthday party and dumped a handle of straight up vodka into the jungle juice.
We were 69ing, but at an angle so we could both still watch Wall-E
I mean I made my therapist laugh so hard she cried....so yes, my life is literally a joke to everyone
I turned on Elf, made myself a mojito, and am eating one of a sleeve of Ritz. You tell me if I wanna go out tonight.
Randomize
