I just met the 30 percent of the population with an STD
see if i had a dick i'd definitely smack people in the face with it
When you're opening a bottle of tequila with a golf club, it's probably time to stop drinking...
Ok Ghana you win again. Tell you what...Double or nothing over women's tennis, basketball, hockey, war, baseball, golf, swimming, diving, oil spills, box office proceeds, internet porn sites, criminals incarcerated, women's downhill, bass fishing, NASCAR, or GDP?
Woke up with the note 'going outside. Ignore bloody spoon. Be back soon' taped to my forehead. Know anything about it?
Just found bacon bits in my pocket. Blackout buffet is the best.
Ecstasy should be its own food group.
I misjudged the power of my pelvic thrusting capabilities. His nose is broken. Thoughts?
Please just fuck her. She's new to LA and doesn't know anyone nice.
Can I just skip the lesson I have planned for tomorrow and just teach my students about Prohibition using my impending hangover?
This is why american education is failing
Oddly enough, the sex change dream i had made me miss you more.
I know he’s a bad decision but he's casual, his penis is amazing and his technique is on point.
Best part about losing weight and not fitting into your pants any longer? They come off quick for chipotle emergencies.
I'm over being sad. I'm now onto thinking about all the ways in which he is a total fuckwaste
If you’re wondering why the bong is outside the garage door just know I was being environmentally efficient by not using the freezer to chill my shit
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