OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
Teenaged girls are God's best work and the Devil's best tool. Remember that my friend.
It was weird to see you drinking wine out a glass instead of a red cup today
chastity bono is officially a man...and has a really hot girlfriend...life doesn't make sense
I managed to throw up 90 feet under water, just removed my breathing tube, puked, put it back in. All inclusive is the way to go.
2am update: i think I'm in Mexico but I found a dennys. Everyone but this cute family of 4 is speaking Spanish. Cute family of 4 is helping me out.
In class ... We were just assigned groups for the quarter... Remember that night we took shots from that guys pants? I now know his name
You insisted on squirting shots of captain morgan in your mouth with a turkey baster by like 930.
I feel like someone had their period in my eyes.
I'm sorry I got a little outta control last night.
Shit. I'm running the whole hotel right now. The front desk girl had to run home because she left her vibrator on the counter and her brother, mom, and grandmother surprised her and are showing up to her place before she gets off work. This will end badly no matter what.
I've never used poorer judgment in my life. It's mathematically possible that I impregnated 5 women in the past 24 hours since I won the lottery. But I couldn't be happier about it.
Glad to know I rate above a cabbage on the parenting scale.
I mean technically the bite was both in my nose and on the outside of it. I thought I was going to need stitches or something.
Why was his mouth around your nose anyways?
It was just one of those nights, man.
We had sex on the beach. I was completely naked except for my sneakers. That's when you know
If we hadn't just agreed to no commitment, i'd totally propose right now. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
Randomize
