My ass is singing 4 different tunes right about now... Taco Bell was a bad idea!
just watched a girl laugh at her own fingers... it's not even noon...
He locked about 20 beers in a suitcase and put it in the fridge. For a complete idiot, he's a goddamn genius.
I want to hold her baby but I'm afraid I'll give it a contact buzz
On a scale of one to america, how free are you this weekend?
It felt like Party Santa dropped by and gave us two more 18-packs.
He stumbled into my room, flopped on my bed, shoes on my pillow and asked me for a juice box. Then fell asleep with the juice box on his forehead.
Well his arms broken so they only cuffed his good wrist to his belt. That's how he cast smacked me in custody.
I was about to share my drunken story from the weekend, but two friends getting married and one finding out she's pregnant makes Saturday in jail look a little suspect.
I walked a mile in this weather wearing nothing but a toga. Zero fucks. Your move Mother Nature.
My neck is PURPLE. This is NOT a good day to be indoctrinated by the cardinal...
My boobs just got me out of my third ticket last night
i'm so proud. i woke up to nearly seven feet of basketball player in my bed this morning
you win. again.
He? As in you personified your dick?
You know the sex was rough when you wake up with a chipped tooth. I have no regrets
Im goin to jail bro ill talk to u sun
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