what kind of morning-after breakfast implies 'thanks for the sex, but i'm not gonna call you ever again'?
An ad on my facebook says "don't be THAT girl". Its like it knows.
anyone who buys me chipotle gets an automatic hj
im guessing your the one that tried to make bacon in the toaster
We've made a drinking game out of how many times the tornado sirens go off. We're good at tornado safety.
basically at this point ill snort whatever you put in front of me and just hope
no, literally. he fb chatted me and said "since you're online i figured we could bang tonight?"
You were yelling at the cops across the street saying they were at the wrong party
im just sayin im driving an hr to pick her up, just cause shes your gf doesnt mean i shouldnt be entitled to a bj
How did a couple beers and monopoly turn into a bottle of vodka and throwing eggs at eachother in the kitchen?
I wasn't sure how he was going to followup "so,i shot myself.." i guess "w a nail gun" is the best choice out of what I expected
Just thought i'd let you guys know that my dad was roofied at a lesbian bar last night...
Dad had me doing shots of chocolate mint Everclear last night. I've never felt closer to him.
I woke up in a front yard I didn't recognize to a grandma tapping me with her foot. What was in that punch?
My mom's yelling at me for being a whore and my dad's quizzing me on how to drive in winter weather....I'm home!
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