so... i had sex tonight
with a midget
nicccce tits for a little person
also i tucked his toothbrush in my shirt. why? i dont know.
No it only became awkward when she walked in with her new boyfriend and we realized we'd all banged her
sorry about last night, I don't know what happened but I woke up this morning and looked strikingly similar to courtney love, it had to be bad.
Took his v-card last night. Yet another experience I didn't expect to have in my thirties.
I guess it was to be expected that I was put on somebody's list called penis socket.
I legit just said "vaginal access denied" then told him his password hint was "tequila shots"
Even jesus won't love me after tonight. I'm going hard.
My cab driver just started a conversation with "Three years ago I pleaded guilty..." Check on me later tonight please.
He's going to be my graduation present to myself.
He deadlifted me and I came just a little at the apex
IM AT A ROOFTOP FUNDRAISER LOOKING OVER THE WHITE HOUSE I WILL NOT RUIN MYSELF
It's not a funeral, it's a celebration of life. Going commando AND braless is really just honoring him!
*6am blends another margarita* *615am blends straight tequila*
I'm like a bad decision making factory. I need to sit down and have a chat with my decision making elves.
Randomize
