a queef is a wish your heart makes.
Stealing vibrators from Walmart together was when I realized you'd be my Maid of Honor.
I'm afraid to text her because most of the time she just replies with "cockblock."
He tried to make an olympic torch by lighting a corona box on top of a pool cleaner.
You know when you can feel the alcohol in your toes? That's a great feeling.
What's sign language for "you may not be the father?" Kinda important right now.
I know shes my ex. And I know she punched me in the face and stole my car to go get drunk. But it's the best sex I've ever had.
You're sick. Take pictures if you can.
Siri makes being stoned even easier. I don't even Have to type my texts myself
Though I typed a half of that one
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
I asked the cop if I could see his dick- It's not like he could arrest me twice.
Hey, I took a sweater from your house. And, um, your little brother's virginity.
Drove by a cop already pulling someone over and toasted him with my bong
It's 4 in the afternoon........
Did you just correct my spelling of a made up word?
No, I just was using your word in plural form
People probably think I’m a fangirl bc I go to so many shows but it’s really bc I like fucking the tour manager
He wouldn’t know a good thing if it bit him on the ass. Which, btw, I did.
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