sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
Words of Wisdom: ordering a pitcher of whiskey cokes, putting a straw in it, and calling it your drink is not socially acceptable
He like poked it twice with the tip of his tongue then left it alone. I'm sad.
I think I just sat on my labia. Can I borrow some scotch tape?
he literally just asked me which v neck he should wear tomorrow.
I went to go pee and found a strand of your hair wrapped around my penis.
we got 12 live crabs and then we got really stoned and know we're playing with the crabs. thats nom watermellon nom. now i'm plaing with a crap whos such a gentleman
She set fire to my carpet trying to power-dry puke covered cigs with Josh's blowtorch. How she found it in the garage is beyond me but if you bring her with you again I'll shoot you myself.
I had to find out that I peed in the box of baby clothes from my mom, who found out from my grandma. New low.
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
I'm not leaving my family to go to a strip club on good friday.
yeah, you could tell they werent used to the strange things that i say. they were all outright shocked when i told one guy i hoped someone kidnapped him and stretched his dickhole over a fire hydrant
Please don't think I'm weird for texting you this at 12:08 am but I just found another picture on the Internet where I think you can see his dick through whatever he's wearing
I remember being like "I can't hold both of you guy's hair back!" so I put headbands on each of you
I passed out in my bed, but woke up on the dog bed,with no pants, snuggling with toilet paper and a bottle of softsoap. Ive hit a new low.
Randomize
