just had to take a 4 hour nap to write a one page paper. its obviously the week after winter break.
Had to use Google translator to be able to tell the cleaning lady not to throw away the condoms we have strategically placed throughout the house.
I replied to the university automated mass text about the armed robbery at the on-campus Starbucks with a sad face. Basically sums up my night.
he said i was so drunk that i shared a urinal with him and we simultainiously peed
we were sitting on his couch watching tv and laughing at how funny the voices on the commercial were, then we realized the volume wasn't on.
But he buys me breakfast and goes down on me THATS HARD TO FIND
I really need to create fewer "the time I was on drugs" stories for my future memoir, "my first year in San Francisco".
good luck with that
Fyi your toilet is not contaminated. We'd have to scissor pretty hard to pass what I got.
At Walgreens. I'm getting condoms and a bottle of water so that I'm not "just getting condoms". I don't think I'm fooling anyone though.
There is nothing worse than the batteries of your vibrator dying on valentines day
I am eating a king sized snickers in the strip club. Good morning.
I may or may not of seen my high school physics teacher making out with my old high school boyfriend at the bar last night
Have you ever wondered if we are just made up characters in someone's head? You'll have to forgive me right now I think I have 7 thumbs
All I'm wearing right now is a condom and a sock.
Just one?
Yup. One sock.
I should buy myself lingerie for Valentine’s Day instead of a present for you because I am the present
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