Thanks to blow jobs, my margarita's at the bar are only 3dollars.
I think i peed on brittanys purse
Can we hire someone to dj while we have sex?
I could be wrong, but im pretty sure i jumped off the roof after my lighter.
As i lay in bed, clutching my face, i'm starting to believe your dick in my eye story.
I made him leave at 3am, he texted me a couple minutes later and said the elevator was broken and he was sleeping in there, but he said I was worth it so I don't feel guilty
You were air-planing a joint into my mouth while I was crying naked in the bath tub.
Best Friends For Life.
Okay now that I've been wanting to eat these hot cheetos in the bathroom, I know it's time I need to stop smoking and go to sleep.
I thought it was my alarm clock, turns out it was her vibrator still going off on the side of my face.
He bought the 12 pack of condoms. I take that as a sign of serious commitment.
5% want to drink juice and feel better, 95% just want to touch your butt
He told me I was "too flexible." Excuse me?
I just spent the better half of my Friday night alone, naked eating McDonalds. Not my worst start of a new year
He sent me a flaccid dick pic from the bathroom at the bar and he said I'm sorry it's not all hard and good looking. Props to him - I did ask for a pic.
Somehow I don't think offering me edibles is what dad meant by checking in on me
They're the hard candy kind!
Randomize
