I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
He came up to me muttering about the pills on the bathroom floor... I found him an hour and a half later trying to take naked photos of himself with an alarm clock...
She fucked me for a ride to the airport. If this is what the rest of college is like, I'm never graduating.
well its a long story but basically i overcame many cockblocks
Please tell me your aunt didn't see the Brita pitcher full of condom wrappers. We had at least 100.
Breaking up as roommates was a poor life decision. I'm sorry. Thank you for never shitting on the floor.
i'm teaching a bunch of people how to grow weed over snapchat. no shame.
Oh great. I guess I'm second on that list now that we've confirmed she's not a lesbian AND that was her sister.
I just thought about how many drinks I had last night and threw up.
It's 9:07 in the morning and I am so hungover right now I'm about to take the kids I'm babysitting to mf'ing Popeyes bc that's all I want in this world
This is my last chance to be the first person to fall off this roof.
He couldn't give me an orgasm, but he did give me a UTI.
True strength comes from lack of pants
I don’t know what he is but he sure can suck a lollipop.
Have you had an orgasm with an n95 mask on yet? It was better than being choked.
Randomize
