my soul wont recognize me after tonight
Sorry if I'm being weird. I'm dipping doritos in cabernet.
I had the spins so badly it was like I was having sex with 2 girls
Apparently you can coat check a keg.
5am, I am wayy too drunk for this. Hookers came out of nowhere. They're like ninjas. Some poor soul got the fat one, tomorrow's going to be interesting...
I tried to high-five the cop last night. he just looked at my raised hand and told me to go to bed.
Crazy fun. I think I got a concussion from a stripper
I slept with someone only because he got my Simon Birch impression. It was a new low.
He wants to take me instead of his girlfriend to the happiest place on earth... By that He meant Vegas. My morals are just loose enough to think this is a good idea
I have to take tonight off from shenanigans. My liver is planning a coup
i don't know if this is a cannibal joke or a sexual innuendo, and i think that's a beautiful description of our relationship.
Only my second night back in town and I already have drunk middle aged women doing the robot around me in a circle.
Like woke up with a dick piercing kind of drunk.
Which emoticons convey sympathy for sleeping with someones bf ??
Listen, I love you but you cannot refer to your dick as the holy sister anymore
Randomize
