just won the tropical speedo for $11. i didn't know they sold pussy magnets that cheap
some old guy just shit himself in my section. everyones leaving
yes because when i jack off the first person i think about is christina applegate
alright so where did all these fingerpaintings on my bedroom wall come from?
dude. you drew those with your dick
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gettin drunk isnt as much fun when i can use my own id for it
he thinks the dog can do a keg stand. i will let you know how it turns out
dude he was laying on two half-naked chicks, as they rubbed him down with lotion, while rolling a joint. hes like a modern-day african king
My roommate made me go home after I mooed at fat girls at the gas station.
I think my mom knows im high. It could be because im slow dancing with my cat in the kitchen. The dip and kiss is what gave it away.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
thank god we only have to drink eggnog and rum once a year. It taste like shit.
drinking vodka, listening 2 smh at 530am slow cooking beef stew. you'll enjoy the stew and worry abt me in the morning. bon apatite
Did I seriously kick a door down last night... And if so when where and how hard, cause that shit I do not recall.
You know what would make the espn body photos even better? If anyone knew who any of those fucking athletes were. That, and maybe not feature Gary Player.
Going overboard is basically 75% of my personality
I'm a gorgeous hot mess
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
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