We woke up next to each other with a mutual look of disgust, and then he left. I knew I should have gone for the younger brother.
My history with restaurant waiters is severely limiting our dinner options.
yesterday, he said he didn't trust me around his daughter because "if she was wrapped in rolling paper u'd smoke her." yup.
you asked the janitor if you could ride his floor cleaner.
I can't believe that 100lb chick tackled me through a flight of stairs
Someone took a picture of their balls on my phone last night. BEAUTIFUL PACKAGE. I will find this man.
Weirdest sensation ever: having your penis fall asleep. It was like tiny hulk hogan was choking it out
Finally washing the shoe scuff marks off my front windshield :( bye bye memories
i just stole a 8 pack of olde english 40s and 2 roles of duct tape. we are going to make edward proud tonight.
I'm sensing a Yuletide blow job in your future and by future I mean tomorrow
I think sneezing out coked up boogers onto your professor disqualifies you from the "I was sick" excuse
I just gave myself a sponge bath with your sock. I hope you don't mind.
Can my mom come with to the bar? Prince just died and I feel like I need to take her out to cheer her up.
I just had sex a few hours ago now i'm eating frozen yogurt making sex plans for tonight while catching Pokémon. What a time to be alive.
short story short, i just screamed anal seepage in the middle of a diner.
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