I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
can you blame him?
i blame him for everything, HE GOT ME PREGNANT
Ha Ha the cop that just pulled me over would like me to tell you hi!
I just typed my entire senior project presentation on my blackberry,
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i just threw up in the porta potty. i am in no condition to be guarding anyone's life rite now.
Just got to school and somone already mentioned the amount of cereal im carrying.
She just told me she blew the waiter in the bathroom. Should I still leave a tip?
Also, at 1:30 I emailed myself saying, "are you there Margaret? It's me, god"
My vagina is not really on board with my "emotional issues"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I feel a five day drunk coming on.
Some chick asked if she could eat me because I'm dressed as a taco. I introduced her to RJ. Best Wingman.
He's way too stoned. I took him to el bra and he's laying on the table, not sure what to do with him
I am drinking fireball and apple juice out of a sippy cup like a fucking toddler.
Moral of the story: I had sex to Back to the Future last night.
Fuck it, I work hard. I deserve nice sex toys
Randomize