the bitch is dead man
YOUR DOG DIED?
no i meant my mom has passed out .. so i'll be over soon.
Is it awkward that I've slept with every guy in this room?
Only if they know about it too.
In retrospect, it was a terrible idea, going down on her with these ulcers in my mouth.
As added birth control I warned him that if he knocked me up tonight I would name the baby Truck.
Well duh, alcohol and getting fucked up are the world's common languages.
Dude he was a used car salesman for his friends' penises. I know I have something here that's right for you!
I'm not mad at you for letting me use my air mattress as a toilet, i'm mad at you for letting me lay back down on it.
So your brother is gay after all... Just caught him making out with my brother... Apparently he's gay too
We can't go back there. Ever. No context required, just know it's true.
I've entered the world of uncircumcised penises. It's disgusting.
the bright side of moving is at least my Tinder options will refresh
He lit a shoe on fire and tried putting it out by peeing on it
I woke up with a captain's hat on my desk.
THE COP WHO TOOK MY MUGSHOT LAST NIGHT JUST ADDED ME ON FACEBOOK
I just punched myself in the vagina to prove a point. Please pray for me.
Randomize
