I'm pounding a vodka drink as we speak to make her interesting
yo I sort of want to fuck rachel maddow. but I'm not a lesbian. actually I reaally want to so maybe I am a lesbian. at least on weekdays at 9.
every time I worry about a career mistake, I remember Michelle Pfeiffer did Grease 2.
I got a 69.7 in accounting. I have this whole doing the bare minimum down to a science
I just found out my boyfriend is cheating on me, please tell me Carl is a unisex name.
it wasn't THAT bad but he definitely called his dick an asshole and said sorry to my vagina
I would explain the ketchup stains in the bed to him but saying I just got my period is so much less embarrassing...
I accidently showed a girl my balls already today. Made me think of you.
It was right before we played jenga with champagne glasses for a good half hour
Heres a quick tip! When getting black out head from your girlfriend dont come to and say "wait... wheres my girlfriend"
It's like he drunk calls 6 times for me to come over, but can't say hello at lunch.
And anyway at least being paid in opium makes a cool story
drunk and crying about Shakespeare- how's your night?
I went to my AA meeting last night. My drug dealer is now my counselor.
if i had an alexa it would be saying “have sex with guys that don’t care about you”
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