It's cold our but I feel like a very blazed penguin
the coke olympics were a bad idea. there's a tree uprooted in the front of my building.
i don't think i ever formally apologized for that time i threw up on your dog.... well...here it is...
my dad just asked me if my booty call guy that comes over at 3am and leaves at 6 would like to stay for sunday brunch next week. you in?
Cops do not care. One just laughed and said "precious"
Every time you blow me I should make a paper crane and we'll make them into a chain and hang them from the ceiling. And then whenever we have people over and they ask what the cranes are for I'll say "reminders" and wink at you.
The golf course isn't that incognito for sex.
I told him we could fuck whenever was concurrent for both of us
This is what happens when you leave: I get all vulnerable and I make out with the cowboy to shut him up about Jesus.
Well I mean enduring a 45 minute conversation about C-sections was worth the 9 jello shots those soccer moms gave me.
So apparently my mom hired someone who goes by "DJ Dog Dick" for the family christmas party?
Being sober is no fun. Karaoke and not wearing pants are not socially acceptable things to do anymore and this depresses me.
I'm fine w planning around your penis prospecting. Saturday it is.
Have you ever thrown up in the middle of your hair appointment? Cause I have..
someone is getting fuckign RAWDOGGED on this campus as we speak and it makes me FURIOUS
Randomize
