I just cleaned my sheets and decided to do a black light test. My headboard is a masterpiece.
Only now do I see "not intended for use on skin" warning. Wonderful. But hey, my dick smells like magic marker.
I had a dream that the allstate guy hooked up with flo from the pregressive insurance commercials and she gave birth to the geico gecco. I need to stop taking ambian.
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
Hiding in the clothes rack at walmart like a 4 year old. Already scared 3 people. New fav weekend activity
I'm babysitting and we're watching Barney and I don't understand why Barney can magically make band hats appear but he makes them make shitty ass instruments.
Barney's a jerk
He asked me where I wanted it. I told him in the condom. He stops mid thrust and says "you're no fun" and then blew. Chivalry is semi dead.
Um of course I blew him. He brought me a shamrock shake. It was two o’clock in the morning on St. Patrick’s Day. There was no smoother move basically. He totally earned that head.
Basically she credited me and my dick pic for boosting the moral of all the Safeway workers
I wish I could have a tequila IV with me all the time. Intravenous tequila intoxication.
can you please not set my house on fire for once???
Are you drunk texting me again or are you just being your regular stupid self?
yes
Yeah like stabbing myself through the eye with a coffee stir and bleeding out all over the office rug
It is NEVER not funny to me when I am sitting at a table and I've touched the dicks of every single person I'm sitting with.
If I slept with her my dick would come out glittery
coward.
Randomize
