Saved 180 Bucks tonight. Pulled my own tooth. More money to party with.
My farts smell like St. Pauli Girl. Last night was too much for a Monday.
I traded my shirt for vodka. I wonder if my parents can pinpoint where they went wrong raising me.
The cab driver doesn't know where we can find an empire state building shaped dildo either!? What is wrong with NYC!?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Law school has no idea what kind of prospect they have coming in. I just convinced a cop not to take me to jail by asking him if he really felt like cleaning puke out of his car tonight.
Ew. After that you just pretty much proved that your vagina is the reason why my vagina needs two toilet seat covers when peeing in public restrooms
People were running around punching out the ceiling tiles Super Mario style.
And then my hands went numb and no one believed me so I started putting peoples cigarettes out on them. Shitty idea i'll tell you that much
I just paid for weed by taking him to the store to buy cheese so he could make empanadas. Best. Drug deal. Ever.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I was just shot with a dart gun by one of my coworkers while walking to the printer. Ironically I was printing my resignation letter...
Tell the cops to let you through! Tell them you need to do drugs!
His dog ate the vibrator. The WHOLE vibrator. We spend the morning after trying to make it vomit up the battery. Why does this always happen to me?
Scary. I hope people take me seriously. Maybe I should black out less to be sure
I'm not sure of this happened or if it was just a dream... But I vividly remember you walking down the street naked?
No actually I had socks on...
Then it hit me - his penis wasn't a shiny new toy anymore and I wanted a new one.
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