I just ate an adderall and jelly sandwich in front of my mom. Homework time!
I am too pretty for them to be this angry at me.
the clerk said it was the first time she had ever seen someone walk in the next day to return the tux still wearing the tux
The cop refused to sing with us, even though he was as happy as we were that the tow truck finally showed up.
I guess I was trying to make a cheese sandwich, I had to change my sheets cuz I slept on it and the cheese melted all over me, Dave, and my bed
he got all sad that i was going to fuck his roommate, so i just asked him if it would make him feel better if I let him motor boat me. i am such a saint.
She can't meet us until 830...there's no hope for our sobriety at that hour
I don't think I can recall what a 23 year old cock felt like if one slapped me in the face.
Dude the little bong I just got fits nicely in the cup holder in my car. The gods approve of my habits.
Oh no. Did you guys fuck on my pull out couch?
Woke up with 5 texts apologizing from a number I named "guy who elbowed me in face"
this party is nice, but i have to go home and cry over anime in order to fill my daily quota of suffering
im shaving my vagina and listening to frank sinatra, im coming over after
IF THE SUNS NOT EVEN OUT THEN WHY IS HIS DICK OUT WTF
My theory is if i keep drinking, evolution will kick in and I will grow a bigger, faster, and more improved liver by January.
Randomize
