If I saw her on the street and didn't know about the two of them, I would think the only way she'd ever find love was if she somehow found her way to middle earth and an orc took her in
I think thanksgiving was created so we could all be thankful that we're still alive after the night before.
There's 12 honey baked hams in my fridge. I vaguely recalled you organizing a "Midnight Ham Run."
I spent most of the night trying to drink out of three bottles of beer at once. I don't have to be told the reasons I'm single
Need your help. Dad's drunk and trying to build a still in the basement.
NM he's asleep in a pile of towels. They need to ease people back into Hockey Night in Canada.
I AM VODKA MAN
Dinner was cheetos vodka and whiskey. This is what happens when even your booty call breaks up with you.
And anyway at least being paid in opium makes a cool story
You realize that if you get murdered while we're talking, I'm gonna have to explain to your next of kin why the last thing on your phone is a picture of my boobs.
I'm going to book club and then I'm going to get laid. Being in your 20s ain't so bad sometimes.
I can't believe you cupped pat's balls to prove your fake relationship
It was an interesting experience to have sex while there was a triathlon going on right outside my bedroom window because it sounded like everyone is cheering for you in bed.
How supportive!
She came into the salon and said, "Don't judge me. Yes that's cum in my hair and I want a shampoo, cut and style."
Can now check off "Start bar fight with my dad." on my bucket list.
I'm having to shit out rocks
Randomize
