why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?
I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle
My relationship with VH1 is so bittersweet
I wonder if they've ever made a porno about the song "she'll be comin' round the mountain when she comes"
haha you were so trashed that you deleted all of your christian music from itunes and kept saying"c-ya God, nice knowin ya"
I misunderstood what a threesome is. Please come pick me up.
just spent the last 4 hours searching ex-girlfriend porn to make sure there are no photos of me
The bartender from Thursday remembered me... And gave me a FLAMING BUCKET of alcohol.
Nothing says Panama City like condoms washing up on the shore.
We should. Taco Bell definitely gives me the shits though.
It's girls night. No shame, just febreeze
Hey guys.. So I accidentally broke the front door last night
I'm going to make a stack of pancakes and fuck it. Right now.
Being an adult is fun. You can experience a break up, then go fuck someone else in the woods.
Had a dream last night that we survived the apocalypse. And we celebrated Christmas.
What did I get you?
A 12 gauge and a bottle of vodka that was waist high.
Sounds about right
rowboat hit a rock. taking on water. going down fast. bring cheerios.
aye aye capn
Irony: drinking your pre workout supplement out of the cup your Krispy Kreme doughnut holes came in.
Randomize
