Let's start a violent farting gang. We can do walkbys.
the choice between paying your electricity bill and getting herpes medicine is a tough one.
Dude, this chick, who is smokin by the way, has 4 false teeth on top from a softball accident that she can take out if she wants... Who's getting amazing head tonight? This guy!
I don't know whether to be creeped out by the fact this chick can do that, or jealous because you're getting toothless head.
all i care about is the story behind my toaster ending up in the microwave
I love you, but you should know I'll always ditch you for weed.
figured you should hear this from me. Your refrigerator door is way broken. I opened it last night when i was drunk and tried to climb the shelves. i got to the one with the mustard.
I woke up to a hotel manager knocking on my car ( window was down) and asking if I was ok
I told him he was, quote: "A big cuddly bear" and he needed to get into my bed or I would set his Golden Retriever free.
I got laxative. And a toothbrush. Because who wants to buy just laxative on a Friday night?
I'm shaved like a Brazilian hooker right now.
I have the flu.
I don't give a shit
Bought a gym bag tonight. Used it to bring my Taco Bell in the house.
Yeah he drove 30 minutes at 3 AM to come fuck me in my neighbors treehouse
Drunk me is basically the Oprah of nudes. Everyone gets one.
Last night when I blacked out, I ate Chef Boyardee. I never want to be that drunk ever, ever again.
She wants to have a threesome with Taylor Swift. I think this is the kind of love my grandparents spoke of.
Randomize
