you told me heaven would be the 3 of us at Moe's forever and every hot girl that walked in would ask us to play stone face
He told me that he wishes our relationship was more like prison: less touching, more butt sex.
i think we should start charging the bum that sleeps on our porch rent..
The girl that works the front desk at my gym invited me and my friend to come see her Tuesday during her shift at hooters because its her birthday. I still have a boner
You gave me balls I gave you half a boob. Fair trade
I'm just walking around Lowe's groping the carpets....
I am both excited and frightened by the fact that this much everclear is legal here. Best vacation ever.
Mark just took 50mg Viagra. Tonight should be interesting for the neighbors.
All I want to do is sleep. And If I'm not sleeping, I want to be eating or fucking. I'm pretty sure being pregnant has turned me into a dude.
She just asked what would happen if you put a vacuum in your butt and turned it on. These are our conversations.
I sat on my couch last night watching What Women Want, eating ice cream, and sobbing "why doesn't she like me?" Why was I born a man?
The internet is out at West Chester so I'm masturbating using my imagination. What is this, the fucking dark ages?
oh my god you are days, if not hours away from a dick pic. This is the day the lord has made rejoice and be glad in it
Never drinking before a 6am train again. Just threw up at boarder control and had to pretend it was cause I was pregnant and not cause I trashed.
You make Europe seem so glamorous.
Holy. shit. Chris has no pants on. In public. Fuck. Need you.
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