The cereal milk was almost black, the bacon was still frozen and the toast was soggy. And that was BEFORE I puked in her lap.
I think I'm making progress on my commitment issues. I drunk made out with the same guy from last semester this weekend.
No one wears that much makeup to work unless they are trying to fuck their boss, NO ONE
It's like a squid of pain has attached to my head and it spreading it's whorey tentacles all over.
Never use fire and ice condoms with a dude who always claims he "didn't know it was the wrong hole"
Well, remember that night we took shrooms at graces an had to leave immediately to go home and hold each other on the futon and sob for four hours? That bad...
It's like weed even makes my glasses better. Everything is so bright and clear and beautiful!
I'LL COME GET YOU. GOTTA FIND A SUIT THAT COVERS TIT BRUISES FIRST.
You had sex with a guy who has a purple beard last night. No Molly for a while, ok?
Omg. Tonight might be the night I masturbate thinking of a smoothie!
My hookup from last weekend apparently got arrested today... his roommate just tagged me on facebook asking for bail money.
my nurturing instincts told me to take his clothes off
My vagina measures dicks. It's accurate to the half inch.
That same damn squirrel keeps staring at me like I did something wrong. Nature knows when you're hung over.
Who else has a jello penis in their fridge?!
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