Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
her cat watched me eat her out... I would use the alternate term for both of those things but it's too weird.
he said he would handcuff me to his penis. thats not even possible. i want to go home.
Some guy just bought a handle of cuervo, a curling iron, and a power drill. Paid with a jar of change. I'm torn between avoiding him and befriending him..
about 90% sure I fell off a roof. It hurts BAD. Don't suppose you're still in town?
yup haha I infact DID fall off a roof. Want some bomb ass omlettes?
Yea we slept in ur room but im 80% sure we didnt have any peanut butter in there
getting up at 8am to start drinking seemed like a much better idea before I had to wake up at 8am
We poured some Korbel out for our homie Dick Clark.
he's like watermelon oreos; I know they're gross and weird and I shouldn't like them, but I can't stop eating them because they're there.
The guy that stalks me just looked out his window and saw me in his neighbor's hot tub. Get your shit ready the fraternity wars are starting.
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
Better not shit yourself at the gym.
her fuck buddy was butt ass naked in our kitchen making waffles but they tasted so bomb
Update: tequila girl had her hand down groomsmen pants
I'm unsure if I could pee myself at this point in my life
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