oh. my. god. the guy i hooked up with last night is currently wearing a dress.
I'm actually agreeing with glenn beck. What the FUCK was in that margarita?!
apparently he couldn't remember my name so he refereed to me as whats-her-boobs and everyone knew that it was me he was talking about
Theres a picture of you hanging up on the wall in mcdonalds, i'm impressed
Of all the shitty people we associated with, you should be happy that I'm the one fucking your cousin. Sorry.
You keep saying things....but all I'm hearing is kegs
The only way that night could have gotten any better would be if a unicorn would descend from the heavens with a nacho bell grande in a bag around its horn beat boxing Hakunah Matata.
I gargles a mimosa for breakfast. It's gonna be a killer Monday.
My sex life reached a new low tonight: we stopped into this bar so I could pee and when I got out of the bathroom my parents had ordered a round for us and this traveling nurse they met and were trying to run game for me. Saddest part? She was actually going for it.
He pulled out a Plan B pill and handed it to me as I left like it was a party favor. God Bless America.
He held my hair while I gave him a blow job. Now that's teamwork.
i think it’s okay to see him. you just can’t wind up with his penis in your mouth again
Dude, I'm sorry if you saw me getting head in my truck last night. My bad.
Just come here quick. I'm home in 3min. It will take you literally less than 5 to walk. Then 2 to undress, 16 to fuck, 2 to dress again and 5 to walk back..!!
exactly 16 eh??
The last time we went to a costume party, you walked around in a loincloth with a cross and said you were Jesus. I'm eager to see how much more offensive you can be.
Randomize
