I will be horny for about another two hours. Feel free to call me until then.
your idea of a balenced meal is a microwave frozen burrito, a cup of ramen noodles, and a can of budlight. honestly tell me how your resolution is to lose weight,
they lined up to high five me when i got taken out by the stretcher. The paramedic high fived them too
The lady at Walgreens was all excited my pregnancy tests had a coupon.
I was behind him snuggling, I told him I was the big spoon and he told me I was too little it was more like he was wearing a backpack.
he threw his shirt and suit jacket out the window of the uber going home
Who would you rather hang with tonight, drunk me or high me?
Dude I'm hungover as fuck in a bed in Baltimore with another man... I don't think I can make it.
Fuck you know you drunk when you start signing the Masson impossjvke song to entourage yourself to pee
Just remember, it's never too late to make a porno
He seemed genuinely disappointed when I told him I wasn't going to make out with him to Bring Me To Life by Evanescence so I feel like I've pinpointed the breaking point of this relationship
but like who hasn’t gotten fingered at the state fair?
What can I say, I just want your vagina in my mouth.
How do you confess that you've had phone sex with your fiancé's brother's ex-girlfriend's new guy she's dating who has also slept with your best friend?
My parents left me the house for the weekend...you know what that means?!
Harry Potter marathon and no pants.
Randomize
