She woke up laying on my kitchen floor, ketchup bottle as her pillow, in front of my fridge.
i'm sure the inside of her vag looks like Normandy circa 1944
and yes i had to double check that date for that joke to be accurate
No... No really he actually thought the condom was meant for his hand...
Its so fun. We're having a music war with the boat next to us. They have strippers.
She wasnt impressed wen i brought a guy for her back with me, a 3am impromptu sperm donor is not a gd birthday present. Im a bad gf.
I planned on emotionally scarring him for life this weekend. DAMN YOU PERIOD!
Pretty sure I was high. I thought there was music coming out of my makeup bag.
Why can't people give useful wedding gifts...like sex swings or Nutella?
I'm wearing a dinosaur hat bikini cone bra over my shirt. So good things are happening
I'm going to take a nap so I don't feel like a stripper sneezed in my mouth tomorrow morning at work.
Oh my god there's only so much masturbating one can do before one wants to fucking cry
I find him attractive in the absolute weirdest way. Like I need him to do my taxes, but I also feel like I should spill things on him to gain his attention and then lick it off to gain his affection.
I have an aggressive hickey on my shoulder and it actually hurts.
I've been trying to fall asleep with ice packs covering my vagina for the last hour... Sorry for being vulgar. I'm going to kill myself.
You think the guy at the speed wash knows he needs to scrub the vomit off the side of my car?
He knew.
Randomize
