I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
ok shes still asleep, should i pee on her and say she did it herself? and by the time you respond to this ill probably have already made the decision
Then all the boys were saying that they were amazed at how much i could smoke...i'm so proud of myself
She wouldn't go home with me cause I forgot her name. I didn't realize it would matter after she danced with her vagina on my face
Chipotle chips and wine for breakfast. Its def game day
No, he attached a coozie to his crutches so he can carry his beer around the party.
as we waited for a manager to come open the door that we broke while having sex on the wall, we decided to go round two in the hallway before he came back.. god i love hotels.
he had the kids march single file in front of us on the way home so they didn't have to watch him pulling me passed out in their wagon...
You are not allowed to borrow my car ever again. It smells like a hobo orgy happened in my backseat with a hint of onion. What did you do.
i told the cop we knew everyone at the party, it was 250 of our closest friends and she's like funny nobody on the balcony knew whose house this was
Thats why they were on the balcony!
It's simple. He fucks me at his place and I fuck him at my place. It's like man of the house gets to top.
The annual Father's Day Wake and Bake has been canceled due to lack of hustle.
I can already feel the hangover I'll be having on New Year's Day. I don't know if I'm prepared for this.
You took his virginity and then he got lost on his way back to his hotel room... We found him at 3am sitting on the sidewalk crying. Kudos.
In a meeting I sneezed and my tooth hit the floor. I don't think anyone noticed. I would still like to die now.
Randomize
