If everyone lived like me, we would need 5.9 earths. Fuck yes america.
I feel like Tiger Woods should send Jesse James a gift basket or something...
I think I am the only girl in the world who would be proud of these scars from rug burn.
He always grinds on me and is like "This is awesome because we're both Catholic!"
I was so drunk that I didn't realize he was staying at the Waldorf. I walk of shamed the Astoria, do you even know what this means?
After throwing up, the toothpaste tasted so good. Thank you for not letting me eat it.
THE MIME IS MIMING TO BUST A MOVE KARAOKE. ALL MIME-RELATED EVENTS DESERVE CAPS LOCK
I'm very fluent in vodka, but that seems to be a whiskey dialect.
I'm skyping with my parents and reading Cosmo articles on giving great head. I'm on a roller coaster that only goes up, baby.
Just received a visit from the Ghost of Bad Decisions Past. Kind of weird 90% of the flashbacks happened in the same sixteen month span, the rest happened at Taco Bell.
So I have a scar from when the stripper tore off my underwear .... Best birthday ever
Unless you're gonna start buying my underwear, you have got to stop ripping it off of me.
Let the clothes fall where they may.
...okay, you can't just say 'masturbating llama' and not explain yourself
I'm getting drunk off Malibu and watching Drag Race and it's only 2 in the afternoon. I'm the poster child for sad gay men.
Randomize
