I think I'm in Tiajuana
You are not in Tijuana. I saw you an hour ago
I could be
Is it bad that my booty call's snoring was more interesting than the sex we had last night?
My valentine's day: watching The Notebook, and porn, eating chocolate, and ice cream. All while jacking off.
Wow... you've managed to cover all of the sad girl stereotypes that exist.
I tried to cut him off and he said "I was the president of a fraternity for 3 years, I could outdrink God."
Can you explain my first weekend back, because there a lot of blacked out gaps and 32 friend requests i would like to know about
I wasn't hungover this morning. My head just hurt because someone tried to suction cup a dildo to my forehead.
Your never gonna wash that desperation outta that sweatshirt you know.
I want to figure out a way to work "if you suddenly die, I might turn into an extreme hoarders" into my valentines day poem
Ok, I have three hours. I'm trying to work out two blow jobs and a taco.
Right now he's sitting in the chair pointing to me to go away. He's trying to have quiet time with his penis.
as he was bent over the toilet, he turned to me and said "barbarian kyle is much stronger than regular kyle" and then went right back to puking.
Not great. "Leave the toilet seat down, it gives me somewhere to rest my face."
STOP BUYING ALADDIN PANTS WITH MY AMAZON CREDIT CARD
You kept singing "your gonna lose that girl" to him right in front of her.. of course you got punched in the face.
I just had to ask my drug dealer to "keep it simple for me". Is this a new low?
We've done worse things
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