Nothing says fuck you quite like putting your used condom in someones mailbox for them to find in the morning.
so it turns out that "condoms galore" does, indeed, come up on your bank statement
I'm going to start giving girls scratch off lottery tickets when they leave my place in the am. That way they have a chance of not regretting the night before
I just bedazzled my weight watchers points calculator. You can tell I'm gay.
dude i woke up sitting indian style with my face on the ground and my hand in a bucket of ice.
Lightning struck the tree right outside of her window as I came inside her. I think its God's way of saying go by plan b.
you called me at 4 in the morning and invited me over for pasta and a late night viewing of titanic.
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
Escorted out of jimmy johns because I refused to leave with my dog. Stole a loaf of bread on the way out.
Lol, you asked the waitress to box up someone else's discarded food last night
I got drunk and tried to make special rice krispie treats, but I made a mess and they were all stuck to my hands, so I just decided to eat my way out of the catastrophe and I think shit's about to get even weirder than usual.
you're the third guy in less than 24 hours she fucked. I'm glad you lost your virginity just don't act like you climbed Mt. Everest.
It's like sleep walking but with blowjobs
I woke up and saw that my last google search was "Bacon neck".
I had an awesome dream where you were a stegosaurus and I was a triceratops and we were hiding from a t-rex and had mad dino sex
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