Umm I'm too high to move.
i miss vodka and anonymity. college is so rich in both. in college we are a many armed creature, lubricated with beer and sex.
i wish sherlock holmes were still around today... he'd be able to find my g-spot.
like in an apt above a crackhead. A LEGIT CRACKHEAD. he woke me up every morning this week asking me if I wanted to buy a mini fridge and some CDs. at 5 am. EVERY DAY.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Oh god I think I promised some guy from high school that I'd be his fuck buddy in like 3 months
You fought the bouncer and lost, then challenged a hobo to a 40 chugging contest and lost. Sobriety is a good life choice.
I'll start choreographing the sperm rain dance now
I got laid and laid off at a conference in long beach all on the same day
Eh. They balance each other out
Remind me not to get naked underneath a tree I'm allergic to again.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Any clothing i put on is too many clothes.
Woke up this morning with an extra $35 and someone else's ATM receipt. How much did I drink last night?
Ok, maybe playing "whose family is most dysfunctional" wasn't the best drunk idea we've had. Todd''s been crying in the bathroom for an hour. We can't get him out...
so he's a sleeptalker.
yeah??
"Mitochondria is the powerhouse of the cell" right in my ear. 2 am.
I cannot pick him out of a line up. I remember he is blonde and his half flaccid dick looks like gonzo. So unless he pulls down his pants I don't know who he is
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
Randomize