I'm afraid we're only dating because we're too lazy to look for anyone else.
I found a girl on our couch wearing lederhosen this mornig... I dont know if i should be impressed or ashamed
im probably shirtless right now with a bottle of jack watching horton hears a who. this is a judgement free zone.
Srsly this has gone to far. Just broke my nose on the toilet. College bars.
Were you paying girls to come up and grab my cock and tell me I look like bradley Cooper?
I'm eating the rest of the Xmas shrooms and welcoming 2012 by communing with the pine cone.
do you think they make 'sorry for walking in on you drunkenly jacking of to a picture of me' cards?
You can cross "give someone a blow job while playing Colors of the Wind" off my bucket list.
My going away gift was all of them dancing around with solo cups on their dick and balls...these are my friends
You went full blown lifeguard... You wouldn't let me sleep until I was in the safety position, so I wouldn't die in my sleep...
I haven't been sober in 4 days.
Then be sober
No.
Would you be so kind as to inform your husband that my truck is forever cursed by mashed potatoes and it's his fault.
I'm a stupid stupid woman who is totally going to rock this holiday season dick drunk on that Ginger
I just shook glitter of my birth control packet so I’d say it’s safe to say it was a good weekend
The only thing I want for my birthday is a divorce from you.
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