Just seen on a tshirt : "fake titties taste funny"
I just had a dude tell me how he got fired from friendly's for tripping a kid and followed the story with "If i'm gonna do it, I do it big."
rubbing her clit was like playing thumb war
he was wearing 3D glasses the whole time.
You kept yelling that her vagina looked like a hatchet wound.
I hated hipsters before it was mainstream.
we tried to pick out bridesmaid dresses with pockets so we could sneak flasks in with us. what the fuck is the point of a dry wedding?
I put labels all over the house on things I think are mine. A cactus, the dog, and a bottle of wine.
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
She's going to get preggers, drop out of school, and end up working at mcdonalds. Great for our mcdoubles habit but bad for her future.
you had me at cake vodka
He said he wanted to make me his Twinkie, "filled with his delicious cream." ABSOLUTELY 100% NO YOU MAY NOT REPEAT ****NOT**** GIVE HIM MY NUMBER EVER EVER EVER. Please confirm receipt and full comprehension of this message.
I literally just biked home like I was on the last leg about to win the tour du France. Fuck diarrhea
My day went from bad to worse when I realized I puked out my second floor window last night.
decided to jump from one of the levels of the Westin chicago Nortghwest. it was worth the broken legs.
Randomize
