Miserable. My projectile vomit just woke me up from a 5.5 hour nap.
Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
you're acting like its my fault you're allergic to sperm or something.
i told you we never speak of that again
Let's make a pact to never get in a cab at 3am together unless it's to go home or for pizza.
i don't think i ever formally apologized for that time i threw up on your dog.... well...here it is...
He could have been a one armed faceless howler monkey. I was so slammered that I didn't care what I was having sex with or if whatever it was... was doing it right.
if you do the accent, i'll wear the eyepatch
And I'm stuck at home while my dad's in vegas hanging out with Zach gali... Zach... That guy from the hangover
Just saw a rice crispy commercial and got emotional. I need to go home.
my brother has friends over and I can hear one of them screaming from the basement "BREATHE. FILL YOUR LUNGS. LIVE YOUR LIFE." and it sounds like he's doing some motivational speaking down there but that's actually just how he encourages ppl to take bong hits
There was a clear and well defined point last night where I could've decided to go home but no now I've woken up with glitter all over my nuts and potentially an std or 2
He has no idea I'm scrolling through Instagram while he's going down on me. I'm so bored.
I'm texting you know although you won't get this until you wake up. the only reason you are strapped to your bed is because you were trying to fly out your window.
And then I woke you by humping you to Lionel Ritchie.
If he’s halfway attractive, employed and cool with me having boytoys, I’ll marry him
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