I'm pretty sure that he just gave me the ginger disease
they just came back. i guess "were gonna go get dinner" means "were gonna fuck for 5 minutes at the little league field"
There's a woman here that looks like a cross between Michael Jackson and Flipper.
If Bret Micheals dies..will VH1 have to go off the air?
So i learned you can't hair-of-a-dog jaeger hangovers.
Just KTHXBAIed an old man for staring at me
His IQ is so high, I swear I started ovulating when he told me the number.
Getting my nails done with Diana... I'm going for the keep your friends close and the girl who's dating the guy you want to fuck closer
It's a "nonproductive" (vocab word) cough. It's like a constant tickle in my throat, like there's a little elf with feathers for feet going Gangnam style on my "uvula" (vocab word).
I'm so high. Midnight pancake breakfast in bed
I don't think that calm, have their shit together people actually exist.
I was going down on her and she started whistling "Whistle while you work." I'm in love.
I just had the polyamorous Canadian hockey player do the splits while naked in a handstand at my apartment just now. And yes, I know it’s 1:30am on a Thursday.
If I didn't have booty calls, my apartment would never get clean
God knew I'd have horrible taste in men, so made me asexual to ensure I'd never fuck them.
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