I want your puppy
I meant pussy
I would rather you take my puppy
After he came all over my face, he proceeded to give me a high five. I can't even act upset because I always put myself in these situations. Did I mention D3: Mighty Ducks was playing in the background?
I'm like a wolly mammoth down there. what do I tell him?
She always acts like she's doing me a favor with a hand job. I've been giving myself hand jobs for almost 20 years.
She said my dick tasted like a junior mint. Ive decided im using this soap the rest of my life
Absolutely. I could drink and smoke that memory away in a matter of years at my current rate.
Out of all the people in the house to show their tits at mcdonalds to try and get free food, they picked those two?
I'll explain later but basically I was feeling dangerous, I'm dressed as Ann Romney and Ann Romney is a bad bitch.
Can we talk about how i am holding a tupperware container of my own puke in the back of my grandparents car while my sister drives
Thanks for fucking me in last night
TUCKING. TUCKING ME IN LAST NIGHT
I was sat at the table waiting with a glass of wine reading my book and the hotel staff gave me a goldfish in a bowl and said 'heres your date for the night' !
it's 1:30pm and i'm eating cheese while i sext. i need hobbies
Rebounding with her sister was the best idea i ever had.
Excuse me I just made a hot pocket without burning down the house, I think i can do anything.
I just learned that the grill marks on a Burger King burger patty are actually previously burnt on there with a radioactive spray-on liquid and McDonald's french fries are actually 5% potato.
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