I can't get out of the parking garage so now I'm staying downtown....Typical
I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
eating raw peppers to burn the taste of semen out of my mouth
How do I say "sorry I gave you and your sister herpes" in German?
I'm sitting at the bar eating dinner next to a nerd, a guy in a 10 gallon hat, and a policeman. I feel like I joined The Village People
you can't exactly throw up or pass out at the pentagon so i had to pull my shit together
When I got to his place, he served wine and cheese and made me sit on the balcony while he read his poetry to me. He cockblocked himself.
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
Do you remember puking up your retainer into the toilet and putting it right back in your mouth?
At my wifes high school reunion. Found out her nickname was 'Back Door Brooke'. EVERYONE is calling her that.
I heard you were walking home with taylor with your dress completely up and your ass exposed
Yeah, that sounds like my life.
Welcome to drink and talk like a Russian afternoon.
Pirate drinking day will be planned for shortly
I approve this so hard.
Drunk me obviously wants to fuck up my life
It's like I have an arch nemesis, and it's me
WOKE UP NEXT TO A PLATE OF MEATBALLS HAPPY MONDAY
wait you fucked a guy who wears k-swiss? seriously?
I know, im living my 7th grade dream
Randomize
