I just realized that this morning is the first morning i've put on underwear in a week.
I love summer.
Pls stop me from telling anyone else my broken blood-vessel + splint are "climax-related" injuries.
u sent me just one boob. one just doesnt do it for me. u dont get full on a half a rack of ribs u need a full one
So Delta doesn't take cash. I used my card to buy a drink and asked the attendant if she could leave it open.
After we finished he asked if I knew if it was a boy or girl. Diet. Starts. Now.
My dora the explorer band aid does not cover up the shame i feel right now
I can't begin to describe what I look like walking through the grocery store with this outfit and chocolate syrup.
I'm a little nervous about this St. Patty's Day party. Seriously, we're still finding stuff from the Halloween party.
I shouldn't trust a guy I just met with the pull out method. That's a big responsibility.
I totally gave him head in sync to Beastie Boy's Sabotage playing in the background.
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
He was talking up his golf swing like other guys talk up their dick. Is this adult dating or just another flavour of douchery?
Welp. It's confirmed. There is literally no lube on this entire island. Fuck me. More accurately, don't fuck me.
I woke up with a chicken in my yard
Do you not remember hopping the fence into a chicken coop and screaming "choot em'"like you were on swamp people?
No recollection, can you come help me shut this thing up
I was not drunk enough for that final.
Randomize
