she needs to learn to take compliments like she takes dicks.
he made me have a moment of silence for the half of my ice cream cone i threw away.
martini and pecan pie.. breakfast of champions.
You handed some guy a spoon you found, he yelled SPOON GAME, and then the two of you spent the next 20 minutes throwing spoons all over the kitchen.
Yessssssssss. I got taped to a couch last night apparently. I also thought i was close to scoring after talking to some chick about hard boiled eggs
She had her underwear around her neck. No one can tell me i'm a slut now.
I don't even want to think about the kind of person who would shit in the street before 10pm on a Sunday.
I was so intoxicated last night I was giving out my real name and number ugh.
Just getting in the shower.... found a "great job" sticker stuck to my boob.
So how was your night?
I was woken up in my old house by the new residents ... I don't even have a Key anymore
I offered to lick your vagina while wearing a suit... Pretty sure chivalry is well alive.
Last night you said you were going to stop drinking and then proceeded to dip cookies in your vodka.
Sadly that explains a lot.
I was supremely disappointed in the lack of dick and doughnuts in my life last week.
Come camping we have xanax and steaks
Me and my dad hot boxed a hotel bathroom... That's what I call father son bonding
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