He ignores my calls like im some kind of stalker chick
Ive only called 5 times
the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
just paid a stripper to have a minute conversation about the arizona game WTF
the girl next to me just texted someone in her phone named Optimus Prime
...i wonder what he did to earn that nickname
She definitely pulled a diaper out of her purse and cleaned up the vodka with it, where do you meet these people?!
Do you know what the cost code is for strip clubs? I'm filling out my company expense report right now
At the start of the night I was all 'come at me universe' and three hours later I was ordering an extra large pizza in bed in the dress I had gone out in. Well played universe.
Whats proper etiquette for apologizing to your wife for being so drunk you stood up and pissed on the bedroom floor next to the bed?
Omphalophobia is a real thing. don't ever fucking touch my belly button again dude
I decided not to look up the nudes, because I believe that there is a line, and that mocking my old classmate's horrid nudes alone crosses that line.
Almost stopped showering halfway through to go get food
Where's the chopping off someone's balls emoji
yo dude not sure how this happened but im drunk at your house eating burritos with your mom and sister. hope you're having fun in new zealand
So how do u get your coat out of the coat room when someone is fucking on it?
I'm naked, eating straight Nutella, and listening to "Make you feel my love" on repeat. So no. He didn't ask me out.
Randomize