tell your sister to shave her snatch
Sitting at a red light. Windows are down. I'm blasting Gaga's "Disco Stick" and doing an interpretive dance to it because I think I'm hilarious. Look to the left and see two Phi Delts that I know with their windows down. They are horrified. I am probably going to lose their Facebook friendships.
did i really try to jack off an athens police horse last night? please tell me youre kidding..
Having a pigeon watch you poop is just creepy. Drunk or not.
I just dropped macaroni right down my cleavage. For the sake of our future, I'm really banking on this being a turn on for you.
when she first told me she hooked up with him my initial response was to shout "WE HAVE SOMETHING IN COMMON!"
That's not how these arrangements work. You don't buy each other stuff unless you break a sex toy. End of story.
Taking Gomer to the ER. He tore something trying to stretch his nutsack enough to put his balls in his own ass. I need new friends.
Considering how much money I just spent on slutty lingerie, it is totally appropriate for me to be plucking my nipple hair right now. Right?
aha we'll just say that my mind was so focused on A Bugs Life that it was hard to maintain an erection
Bake him heart shaped cookies?!? Send him a picture of your tits like an ADULT!
can we take a moment to remember my theory on 'your tongue is a snake that lives in your mouth' because we reached a whole new level of high
I have so many feelings about this burrito
Please tell your sister I apologize about saying her baby may have beef curtains. That was inappropriate.
Kick open the door, strike a pose, steal a boyfriend, end scene.
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