my life trainwreck boards at 9:30
Not only do I have sand in my ass, but a crab pinched me while we were fucking. Still totally worth it.
Weddings at vineyards should never be allowed to happen. I'm pretty sure I drank every bottle they produced in 2008.
ttyl tear gas
Why can't public transit accommodate my lifestyle of drinking til midnight on a Monday?
It looks like someone bombed the living room with his and your clothes, bra, packing peanuts, nerf gun and ammo, rc helicopter, leftover chinese food and a leather paddle.
You climbed into the Suite next to us at the game so you could steal the half eaten hot dog someone had left on the table. That high.
I feel like every picture I upload of him on facebook where you can see his purity ring, I should make the caption "something in this picture does not belong"
I just really need to get the matching flask to go with my pill box. Is this another step towards rock bottom?
I saw a kid peeing outback so I yelled "you have a small pecker, but its ok cuz when life gives you lemons..." and proceeded to throw lemons at him
He tried to make small talk to hide the fact that he was struggling to unhook my bra... at least he tried right?
I smell like a skunk, but I'm okay with that.
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
Dude. All I know is that I woke up on the floor with two naked chicks who don't speak English.
Clutch
I'm either hallucinating or there is a dying cat outside my apartment....
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