I found my laptop, credit card, and a bottle of Morgan all on the counter this morning. I'm scared to see what gets delivered to my house this week.
Stop trying to talk to my friends!!
then get some ugly ones...
Friends dont let friends get hit with a flaming baton without warning
He is just lying there. People are throwing money onto his chest as they walk by...
Thank you for calling me on to a higher level of debauchery. fuck anyone who says we aren't good for each other
If you can count on one hand the number of times you have actually, truly nearly died this month, then you are not really living yet.
I'm really glad that we can be casual hook up buddies. This is a true friendship. Now, please convince your roommate to do the same. Thanks.
just woke up on a lounge chair wearing a durag and holding burrito wrappers in my hands
So apparently there is enough alcohol to get me to agree to going to a strip club, but when I have enough they don't let me in.
Pretty sure keeping my vibrator in the same drawer with the weed makes it work better. I fall asleep almost immedi
Sorry I twat blocked you earlier I didn't know Sam was over. But, my house my rules, I don't have to knock before I enter. I did see naked butts and smelt "Sex Stank" in the air, we're going to have to set some ground rules when I get home. Hugs and kisses..Mom
Woke up to I'm AWESOME written in purple crayon all over my walls. I love drunk me
It's a shame, really, because he's got the cock of a horse... And the personality of dry toast.
no its a draw, weve been through this, when were keeping score on getting laid i get a plus 1 handicap each week because of your British accent! its only fair!
I rewired his car so that every time he hits the gas the horn and the OnStar turn on every time he hits the brake the panic alarm goes off.
Randomize
