By the way, she says hi. At least I think she did since she licked my phone
The story about him having a girlfriend changed real fast when he found out that I was a gymnast
And then she apologized after the blow job for being too sick to deep throat. I'm in love..
Some Russian dude just came up to us and I'm pretty sure he offered his girlfriend to have sex for 80 bucks. Whoever said porn movies were unrealistic.
Who would've thought that Monopoly night would've ended with some girl peeing on the couch.
Today I found out that my boss keeps a breathalyzer on his desk for just these sort of shenanigans
I got hella high today and freaked out about life and interest rates
I just ordered a "football meatlong" from subway
Timehop reminded me that 4 years ago today I helped a one armed man do the YMCA by being his other arm.
PS there is a naked boy in my bed and I just left for the bar...
I called him Oliver all night
His name is Brandon
Dude... Those don't even start with the same letter...
Woke up next to a slice if pizza. From what i can tell I tried to plug it into my phone charger. No more blackout wednesdays for this girl.
boys just don't understand what they're missing out on.
he's missing out on my boobs looking marvelous this evening.
Honestly, you can’t tell the whole sorority he has a donkey dick and expect that no one would sleep with him after you broke up
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
Randomize
