Does it still count as a "walk of shame" if it's only 1am?
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
They just both started mumbling "i cant go home like this" "it's all over my face" "do you have extra pants?"
I don't think there was a moment this weekend where grey goose did not course through my veins
my post shower fart this morning sounded like hulk ripping through a phonebook
by the end of the night two people were passed out at the table, three on the couches, and one in the bathroom. it looked like someone pumped sleeping gas into the middle of a dinner party.
you left me with this keg alone. this is on your hands
Everything was going great until my fake mustache fell off when we started making out.
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
Did you know that taking off a bra with teeth burns ninty calories?
I just had sex with the megalodon show on in the background and it was just as magical as it sounds
Do not ever get that redhead chem major high. Gave her a magic brownie and she sat in a corner and literally cried about organic chem. Never again.
He said he wanted to lick the breadcrumbs off my chest
She's gonna be mad if she finds out you put weed in her house warming cookies
I guess we coulda said a little less mature audience and a little more e for everyone.
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