I smelled like jager and penis. The only cure was a pack of camels and plan b.
The smartest thing I've heard Obama do is call Kayne West a jackass
which bright sisters idea was it to put semi-formal in the middle of no-shave november?
phil was outside the bar last night, sitting on the ground playing songs on a guitar hero guitar to people walking by for money...best version of free bird ever
Just took my first sake bomb. I love japan
when the police officer said he was gonna take a picture of the car accident, you asked if you should pose on the hood
I have no valid justification for peeing in your kitchen, but I don't think it's worth breaking up over.
Dude, for your own safety, do not bring that chick home. I'm pretty sure you're going to find a marsupial pouch smuggling a fresh batch of herpes under that hoodie. Bail bail bail bail bail.
You're the only person I know who can be puking into a trash can at 8 in the morning in Manhattan and get a date out of it....
Possibly having a threesome with my ex boyfriend and his current girlfriend was great closure on that subject
I don't WANT a sex disease! Especially one assigned to me by my supervisor..
My sinuses still burn from snorting red wine last night.
You wanna come over?
Too high to be booty called. My cereal is growing hair.
HEY I WILL KIDNAP THE FUCK OUT OF YOUR PET GOAT
The waxing lady fingered me during my brazilian. 40 dollars well spent
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