Well, ive pounded a baby into a stripper and a girl who was on jerry springer, a 16 year old is logically next.
Definitely just saw a grown man at wal mart wearing high heels and carrying a baby
What the fuck were you doing at wal mart?
the only reason i invite her is so when the guys start to hit on her i know it's time to take their keys
It didn't get weird until she took off her underwear, looked down, and said "fill her up!"
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Grilled cheese and whiskey for lunch is why i should NEVER be a housewife.
And I don't know what it is about weed making me want every episode of the real housewives of everywhere
Koalas always seemed like really high little puppy kittens to me.
A homeless guy wouldnt accept my granola bar because he didnt have any teeth. I think i win the prize for the ultimate rejection
Are you alive?
I woke up under the pier.
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I had sex on a dinosaur comforter, tell me that does not define my life.
Why does fireball set life on fire? Your insides, your head, your behavior...
i may or may not have bought a plane ticket for a russian cam girl to fly here. also, can you spot me $300 on rent?
Just shared a bacon biscuit with my cat.... Life is weird for me right now
Your cat ate my taco.
. . . I don't have a cat?
It was laying in your bed. Now it's hunting for more tacos.
I gave Sophia a glitter bomb for Christmas. And before you ask is because she pooped in my cat litter box and then drank all my liquor and didn't pay me back and refuses to acknowledge that she had any wrongdoing. So she gets to clean up glitter for the next 10 years.
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