it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
how do i word it so it doesnt sound like im asking him if he has ever been in jail.
He's hungover and at the neighbour's garage sale negotiating a price for a tuba.
After seeing how much you are able to funnel in a night, I am 90% sure your blood is pure gin.
Yeah it'll definitely be worth it. Not having syphilis all the time you know
You took it upon yourself to rid the world of them, and by that I mean you dressed up as Batman and started kicking them in the shins.
Um...It has come to my attention that I may have said some rather vulgar things about Sean Connery to you and anyone listening last night, so...I apologize for that. I meant the things I said. But still. Sorry.
Hey ask him if he likes swappy seconds
I'm going to crush up my last 7 Percocets into a fine powder and toss my popcorn in it.
you walked onto the street in the middle of the 10K in your thong. it was a whole new kind of expirience.
Am I not being subtle enough by giving him a rainbow striped bong, during PRIDE MONTH?
He laid on the ground 100 ft from the car crying about how he just wanted to be home already
A 74 year old man offered to let me sleep on his pull out couch last night.
You popped the Plan B pill then clapped twice, said "mischief managed" and headed tward the bar.
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
Randomize
