just woke up with an anonymous loaf of bred in my bed and a piece in my mouth. this says alot about my life.
i no longer even have beer goggles. i'm pretty sure i blacked out and had beer lasik.
Everytime I sleep with him he gives me another hint to what his tattoo means. I'm like a slutty Nancy Drew.
I just found a bottle of gin in my vegetable crisper. Party is back on.
But life is now good. Well, not good, good would be not wearing the penis hat with the extended family of the boy I just cheated on, but as good as it's going to get today
if I just puked into my own hand, but then cleaned it up quickly, quietly, and calmly, am I still a trainwreck?
I took in his dog. My exboyfriend still calls me for 2 things, blow jobs and animal rescue. I need to end this cycle
I resisted the temptation to hold the cake in one hand to alternate bites with the ruffles I was eating. I decided that might make me look dysfunctional.
There's holes in the drywall and the beer pong table is a broken door on two barstools. You know they like to party.
I would like to apologize once again for rubbing your thigh with my hands and face for a very long time last night.
She shit all over my seat. She is not allowed in my car under any circumstances. Not even with drugs. You can't forgive a shit.
Do you remember lying across two tables saying 'go away I'm trying to pull' to me, Sollie and Sean?
I figured you were on something. You're way too happy right now to be sober
My girl friends dad just asked how I get so drunk and then he passed out with a bloody Mary in his hand on the couch it's 230 do you know where your parents are
you asked if you could borrow my vagina for the night
Randomize
