When we made out her lip\nose ring fell out in my mouth. Awkward?
as we were driving back from the frat house he pulled down his pants and convinced me his penis "wanted some air"
Do you think royal wedding drunk calls for wine or tequila?
slow down on the beer.. we don't need another pentabong projectile hot dog incident
I just had to dig under a pile of condoms in my desk drawer to get to a blue book. Summer is officially over.
Just shook hands with the bud light truck driver, thanked him for his service to our country
I really gotta be careful. My email inbox is equal parts notifications from instructors and this dude's dick. If I get drunk and reply to the wrong thing I might get kicked out of grad school.
I pulled some girls weeve trying to pull the stop cord on the bus
Yea he called the cop officer fonzarelli and asked him if he was mad because happy days was off the air. Boom, beaten and arrested
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
so go get some goddamn bacon and lay in his bed naked. he'll love it.
I sent him home with blood on his fingers and shame in his heart.
the universe is starting to freak me out.. ive now had sex with 3 people who were born on the same day..
Just in case you forgot, you puked all over your boss house, pissed on his coffee table, and were then thrown out by his wife
i just wanted have a romantic star gaze moment with him. untill he let out a massive fart.
Randomize
