i friday night watching house. god, i need a life, friends, and a legitimate fake id.
I hope you get used to having plenty of sperm because you're never gonna get any.
why did your cousin post "out tonight" on facebook? doesn't he know it's only 1 in the afternoon?
shhh don't tell him. it's cloudy out and none of his clocks work
Just bought lingerie with the intention of wearing it as a shirt. It's going to be that kind of weekend.
I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
Just realized how many men I've had sex with for the first time in St. Patty's Day past. Currently sending "HAPPY SEXIVERSARY" texts...
we can be functional adults and still think pizza lunchables are the shit
I found his belly button lint in my hair. Can't say it was worth it.
Are you coming to the bday night? i'll be doing a life-like reenactment of traveling through Bonnie's vaginal canal and taking my first breath of life. Don't think you'll want to miss it.
I can bring a slip n slide and curtains.
It's the happiest looking penis I've ever seen. It should have a top hat and a spectacle on and soft shoe across the room with a cane. He's a cheery little feller.
I have to estimate how long it takes them to get to the bedroom so that I can sneak out of my room and get snacks. If she's anything like me, they're in bed the second he gets here and I can get snacks now
Tbh I fell asleep cuddling a bag of Brazilian nuts. Franzia never dissappoints me
Did we seriously steal a wet floor sign from McDonald's then get chased down by a homeless man for it? Never drinking again.
He really only has clothes, like 4 boogie boards, and a bong here.
Everyone in Columbus is two degrees of separation from my vagina.
Randomize
